It’s not right

My parent’s both work 60 hours a week at least. They work until they barely have time for their family and then some. And they have three kids living at home right now that they have to factor in to everything (two are going off to college, one next week and one two weeks later. But still). And I’m here in New Mexico for two weeks, and when I offer to fly my Mom out for three 1/2 days of hang time, my Dad says, “I don’t feel like we can afford for her to miss work”. I get that. I do. Neither of them make what they deserve, and the place that they live in sucks a lot of money out of them. I’m partially to blame for that. The last time they re-mortgaged the house was for me. So that I could go to boarding school.

But it’s four days, one of which she isn’t even scheduled to work. And I feel like she (and Dad) works too much for too little to not be able to miss a couple of days of work. And I know that they’re not the only ones. But it’s not right. If I’m willing to pay for her flight and I already have the hotel then there should never be a problem. It makes me so angry that they have this problem.

And they never let me send money home. 90% of my friends send money to their parents every month to help them make the bills and all that. And my parents have never let me, which is nice I guess. They say, “you’re the kid. If anyone helps anyone it should be us helping you”. But I’m one person. They’re five, and two work with not enough pay. And it’s cruel of them to not accept my help and then say they don’t have the money for Mom to visit. I know it’s not really cruel. It’s just how it feels to me. Because my feelings count, right? They don’t really need to, and maybe they shouldn’t. But I want them to.



My last post is a link to my Tops in Blue audition video and nothing else. A few of you asked for it, so there it is. Feel free to criticize. I’ve had a cold since I got back to the US, I don’t think the States agree with me anymore. A friend said that it might be my sudden withdrawal from Soju but…okay, so maybe ;p

Things have been good at home for the most part. I haven’t been to see Thom’s grave yet. I really need to, as I have less than a week and a half left.

My Grandma fell and broke her butt last week. Literally. I don’t remember what the bone is called but apparently it’s part of her butt. She has only eaten a few bites since then, she won’t even eat ice cream. She loves ice cream. My Aunt is with her, but Grandma lives so far away from all of her children. It’s hard. She’s in NC and everyone else is upstate PA or just across the border in NY. She pulled out her IV last night and her potassium levels suck. She won’t drink liquids or eat anything and is refusing a feeding tube. Mom and Aunt Robin are talking about Aunt Robin bringing her up so she can spend her last days with her children.

My older brother hasn’t spoken to my parents in years unless he needs something specific from them. He didn’t call when my Dad’s Mother died or when a turkey went through my Dad’s windshield a couple weeks ago (he’s fine). I told him about Grandma and offered to help fund a plane ticket up and he said he’d ask about getting the time off. Maybe Grandma dying will bring him back to the family. I don’t want her to die. I love her so much. But if some good can come of the inevitable then I guess that’s…positive.

Grammy…she’s so silly. She’s one of those ladies that will normally let people walk all over her, including her husband. Both of the ones she’s had. Her first husband, my Mom’s Dad, when their youngest girl was born he went in to the room and said, “this is what we’re naming our baby” and she was like, “okay” and he left and she named her something completely different.
Then when he left her for another woman, she raised six kids all by herself. My Mom was the youngest then (the youngest, Ray Suzanne, died as a toddler) and I think she was in middle school. Her Mom worked so many hours to keep them clothed and fed with a roof over her head. She was so strong then.
Then she married Al. I love Al. He’s the only Grandpa I’ve really gotten to know, Mom’s Dad died when I was about 8 and Dad’s Dad died when Cooper was just a baby. Al scared me when I was little. Mom says I used to hide behind the couch because he’d yell at me. I don’t remember that, but I do remember how upset he was when my first boyfriend was black and how proud he was when I joined the Air Force. He’s been fine with me since then, but he’s never been able to stand my Mom. He convinced my Grandma not to come up here when she was healthier and now he can’t take care of her.
Stinkin Al.

I love her so much. I don’t want her to die. And I hope that Aunt Robin does bring her up cuz whether or not she goes soon, it would be really nice to see her.

I am no longer fond of the dynamic in my family.

I mourned my loss in my little brother’s bedroom. He wouldn’t help me with math. My smart little brother has always helped me with math before. He simply walked out of the room and said, “close the door on your way out”. He’s not just in a mood or a funk, he was like this last time I was home too.
And then I cried.

He didn’t see me or hear me and that’s probably for the best but I don’t know. Maybe if I cried in front of the whole lot of them and told them how much I miss the closeness we all shared once upon a time then they’d figure out a way to change it. Fix it. Make it like it was. Obviously I’m not in the picture much anymore but they can fix how they treat each other without me here.

Dad’s no good with young teenagers and that doesn’t help. Brother is 14 and is treated like a god at school. He’s tall and athletic and smart (although he doesn’t give two fucks about his grades). He stars in all the theatre productions and starts on every sports team and I can’t remember the last time every girl in his grade wasn’t fawning over him. Dad just tries to take him down a notch while he’s at home. Remind him that he is not, in fact, a god. Not even a minor one. Not even a mirror image of Hercules. He does it in all the wrong ways though and it doesn’t help the situation, but it’s how he treated his older five kids when we were his age and we all grew up fine.
I guess.

Mom is so mad at herself right now and that doesn’t help either. She has a new job: she has a new job that she’s wanted for years and has applied for several times in the past. This new job eats up 12 hours of her day, 4 days a week. The only time she sees her two school ages children is when they grumpily wake up (as teens will) or when they grumpily do their homework before grumpily flopping into bed. It’s tough for everyone.

I miss how things used to be.

Of course, I haven’t really lived here in about 7 years. My memory of how things were is one from quite a while ago…but I still miss it.

My friends came to visit :)

This past weekend Tops in Blue was at Osan AB, ROK. The team rolled in early Friday afternoon, set up stage Saturday morning, performed Saturday and Sunday nights, tore down the stage Sunday night into Monday morning, had today off and are leaving bright and early.
I don’t know what to tell y’all about this weekend. Let’s start before this weekend…my body does a weird thing when I am stressed out – I get bumps. They’re sort of like zits and they’re all over my legs. No pills or ointment that has been prescribed to me has ever helped, I just need to de-stress and figure out my life. That’s when they go away. It normally takes a month of more.
When the weekend started I’d had these bumps for a week and a half. I don’t know what brought them on this time, just that they are here. After spending a weekend with forty people, most of which I would call my family because we are that close, the bumps are almost gone. Looking at the weekend I had, most people wouldn’t call it a great one. Friday after work I was able to spend some time with friends and then I was up early on Saturday to help them set up stage. I had to leave after about five hours, and that was leaving early! I learned so much about sound and lighting and connecting stage pieces this weekend that I couldn’t repeat it all back to you but I could do it all with my eyes closed. Then I went to the show and watched my friends perform that night on the stage we built with calloused hands and sweat running down our foreheads. Everyone worked together so well.
And these people…they perform so well! A lot of them are people I haven’t seen since I went to the World Wide Talent Search in February 2013 and the improvements they have made since then are astounding. I thought most of them were brilliant at their talent then, but now? Now they’re so polished. The act is so clean. Every note is so pure and every dance move is sharp. And even though they have come so far since the last time I saw them, each and every one of them welcomed me with open arms. They called me family and they didn’t care that I’ve gained a little weight or that my vocals have gone downhill since they last saw me. They took me in.
There’s a guy on the team who didn’t audition with the rest of us, J. I saw him on stage and was like, “who the hell is THAT person who I don’t know?” I met him after the first show and he is so nice. Turns out that TiB didn’t have quite enough male vocalists so they reached out on social media and invited guys to send in a video, from that, J was chosen. He has the voice of an angel and a Harry Potter tattoo. I made a joke about his name and it turns out that his boyfriend is a chef and is making a pastry based off the joke I made. Before Tops in Blue he was overweight and depressed. He hated his life and his job and his co-workers who don’t understand when enough is enough. Now he’s healthy and happy and doing something he loves. Tops in Blue literally saved his life and that makes me so happy.
When we were doing karaoke on Saturday night he came up to me randomly and (drunkenly) said, “you know Molly, you can’t base your worth or your talent off of what Mr. E (the guy who runs TiB) tells you. Whether or not you make it doesn’t say anything about you. I know this because I’ve known you for less than six hours and I already know that you deserve to be on this tour more than anyone else.”
I’m starting to cry just writing this out, that’s how much these words meant to me. I was initially annoyed with him when I met him because he didn’t go through everything that the rest of us went through. He didn’t have to go through the audition process or feel how it is the first year when you don’t make it and everyone you love and auditioned with does (of course, he was one of the 1% that made it his first time…but whatever). But J…J’s something special.
I wish I could tour with all my friends. I wish I could be there with them this year because they are more like family and I don’t have a lot of friends here. I like being alone but I love being with people who I am that close to. It doesn’t take any work to be with them. I don’t have to pretend to be anything I’m not or try to make them happy, I’m just me.
I don’t want them to leave tomorrow.
But they all believe in me so much. When I said goodbye after tearing down with them until the wee hours of the morning they said, very confidently, “see you in October!” October is the next World Wide. Tapes are due in 39 short days and if I’m not selected then I won’t see them. I might never see some of them again ever. And they all want me on tour so badly next year. And I know I can do it. I know I can do it. My voice may not be what it could be, but I can do it.
I can get there.
I want to do it, for them. For myself because I know that I want it more than anything else. I’ve wanted it since I heard about it three and a half years ago. It’s all I’ve wanted and y’all have heard about it since then. And if I finally make it then maybe you’ll stop hearing about it for a while ;p
I want this with everything in me.

Sometimes I think we spend so much time worrying about how we look that we forget to notice how other people see us.

Maybe it doesn’t matter how other people see us.

I don’t know.


Happy Independence Day you Americans!  I think we’re going to see fireworks later and I know someone is having a cookout, so we’re doing the basics.  Earlier my Mom, a friend and I ran the “Tuff E’Nuff” race.  It’s a 5K with obstacles.  Mom beat me last year, this year I got her by about a minute. WOOHOO!  

Before (what am I looking at?)

After (what is Kevin looking at?) (Also my Mother is adorable)



Being at home is wonderful. I haven’t cried yet and I’m proud of that, but I have come close many, many times.

My Friday lasted about 37 hours and when I got into the airport there was no one there to meet me. All these families and reunions and I was the only one left an hour later. I knew it was coming because there were pressing family matters happening (think hospitals) but it still sucked.
Eventually my Aunt came to get me. It was nice to catch up with her, but my first almost-tears happened when my Mom finally arrived at my Aunt’s house. Not when I saw her, when I smelled her – sweat and whatever musk it is that she uses and mousse and smiles. And the tears didn’t almost happen because I was so very happy to see her, but because I know I have to leave again too soon.

Then again the next day when I hugged my Dad. Trees and laundry soap and hard work.

I’m not cut out for this life. I want to be home.

My little sister has it so good and she just doesn’t get it. She’s almost 20 and she lives with them but they’re about ready to kick her out. She’s always crabby and mean and snaps at people for nothing. She doesn’t help around the house and complains that they make her pay for her own cell bill and car insurance (she uses their extra car that 16 should be using soon) plus a measly $100/month rent. It’s not even $300/month all together. She doesn’t get how good she has it.
She works her cute little 6 hour shifts at BK, comes home and locks herself in her room because she’s “tired” and “needs alone time”.

If I lived here I would never be in my room except to sleep. And maybe change clothing. I’m doing that in the kitchen right now (it’s mostly walled in) so maybe I would just keep that up.

But I couldn’t live at home again. I’ve lived away from home for too long and my lifestyle is just too different from my parent’s. When I’m staying in their house I feel obligated to go to church, for one thing. Yesterday their Pastor was talking about how to gently broach the subject that your non-Christian friends will be going to Hell. If the only reason you “believe” is so that you don’t go to Hell, is that true belief?
I don’t know.

Everyone’s doing pretty well though. Little brother is strong now and even taller than last time I was home. He must be at least 6’4″. 16 year old sister is excited because she gets to work at the Summer Camp that we’ve attended since we were little. I worked there for 3 Summers and the 19 year old worked for half of last Summer. 16 is also a Senior now, so that’s really exciting for her. She wants to be a high school music teacher. She needs scholarships because college is expensive. 19 is…well. I’ve already said about 19. But she was just in here and she’s excited because she has a date.

I just want to stay here forever.

I’m home 🙂