what the fuck

I feel like every time I get on here it’s because someone died or is dying. This time it’s my Aunt Colleen. Last time I was home, she had her leg amputated shortly after I left. Her shit’s getting worse, and she wants to fight. Good on her!

and guess what

my Mom is her nurse.

My fucking mother just told me that she thinks it’s time for Aunt Colleen to die.

I get it. They believe in heaven and an end to suffering.  They believe that it’s better not to struggle here on earth for too long. But how can you tell someone to stop fighting? What could possess a person to do something like that? To say it and mean it?

Maybe if my parents ever get to that stage I’ll understand. I hope not. I hope they are never suffering enough that I say to them, “you need to stop living”. I can see myself feeling that way about me someday, but how do you get there WITH ANOTHER PERSON?

 

I’m angry. I’m sad and I’m angry and I don’t know what to do. I can’t go see Aunt Colleen before January. I don’t want to visit her grave. She was not that sick last time I was home. It all happened after.

 

I hate being away. I don’t want to be away for the big things, but I just re-upped for 5 more years. Why did I do this? I was gone with Bapzi died. When my Uncle died. When Thom died. I miss out on last moments with all of these amazing people because…what? I want a steady pay check? What’s wrong with me? Isn’t life more important?

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3 thoughts on “what the fuck

  1. theinfiniterally says:

    I’m sorry, Molly. That seriously sucks.

  2. If you were right there in the same town with the person, there’s no guarantee you’d see the last moments. Sometimes you gotta sleep or pee.
    Secondly, if your career was just about a paycheck, you could work any dumb job. It’s clearly about something else.
    Third, it does suck.
    Keep your Aunt Colleen in your happy thoughts. This story isn’t over yet.

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