Emergency Management consists of complete nerds. All we talk about is work, and it’s all we care about for the most part. 90% of us are so committed to the job that we will sleep at work if that’s what it takes.
It’s hard, when you’re around such committed people, to be confident in your knowledge. There is always someone to one-up you. Someone who read the changes to the T.O. that were put out fifteen minutes ago that you didn’t even know existed yet. There’s always someone better, or even just someone wrong but so much more confident than you are that you believe them because you are not confident in any way, shape or form. And when I say “you” I mean “I”.
I know my job. I know it inside-out and I love it. But I will always hesitate.
Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? I have. Quite often actually. For months now. It’s terrifying. Sleep paralysis happens, for me, soon after I try to go to sleep. I’ll be laying in bed and I’ll feel as though I’m awake but I cannot move. It’s like there is an incredible weight on me, holding me down. I’ve heard people say that it happens for them right after waking. I’m almost jealous because at least they got some sleep first! The whole thing just SUCKS though. It sucks. It’s scary and sometimes I actually am awake when it’s happening and that becomes very confusing for the times when I am not.
Sometimes during sleep paralysis I’ll think I’m awake. I’ll wake up in my dream and go through the motions of my morning. Then something will happen. I’ll be chased or fall or something and I’ll say, “wow nope, this is definitely a dream”. But if I’ve fallen then I cannot get up. If I’m being chased then it’s impossible to run or scream. I can’t move, in my dream, because I am so terrified (flight, fight or freeze. I guess I’m all about that freezing). Obviously I do always wake up eventually but I never feel rested. And because it’s during the beginning of my sleep, it’s scary to try and go back to sleep. Last night I went through this three times before I finally rifted off.
I hate this. At least it’s not night terrors…but I hate it.