I am no longer fond of the dynamic in my family.

I mourned my loss in my little brother’s bedroom. He wouldn’t help me with math. My smart little brother has always helped me with math before. He simply walked out of the room and said, “close the door on your way out”. He’s not just in a mood or a funk, he was like this last time I was home too.
And then I cried.

He didn’t see me or hear me and that’s probably for the best but I don’t know. Maybe if I cried in front of the whole lot of them and told them how much I miss the closeness we all shared once upon a time then they’d figure out a way to change it. Fix it. Make it like it was. Obviously I’m not in the picture much anymore but they can fix how they treat each other without me here.

Dad’s no good with young teenagers and that doesn’t help. Brother is 14 and is treated like a god at school. He’s tall and athletic and smart (although he doesn’t give two fucks about his grades). He stars in all the theatre productions and starts on every sports team and I can’t remember the last time every girl in his grade wasn’t fawning over him. Dad just tries to take him down a notch while he’s at home. Remind him that he is not, in fact, a god. Not even a minor one. Not even a mirror image of Hercules. He does it in all the wrong ways though and it doesn’t help the situation, but it’s how he treated his older five kids when we were his age and we all grew up fine.
I guess.

Mom is so mad at herself right now and that doesn’t help either. She has a new job: she has a new job that she’s wanted for years and has applied for several times in the past. This new job eats up 12 hours of her day, 4 days a week. The only time she sees her two school ages children is when they grumpily wake up (as teens will) or when they grumpily do their homework before grumpily flopping into bed. It’s tough for everyone.

I miss how things used to be.

Of course, I haven’t really lived here in about 7 years. My memory of how things were is one from quite a while ago…but I still miss it.

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6 thoughts on “

  1. change is hard.
    i’m glad your mom got the job she wanted. (the good news is that it’s only 4 days a week.)
    my teens are grumpy too.

  2. ginjuh says:

    I wish that when we got the family dynamic just right we could lock it in like an interest rate.

  3. SouthernHon says:

    Family dynamics are crazy. I’ve hardly ever been happy with mine, either in my birth family or with my now ex- husband and our 2 children. The worst part is comparing your situation to others.
    Change is hard, but acceptance can be even harder.

  4. newsongoftheheart says:

    I’m sorry, Molly. Have you said anything to anyone about it? It’s always the hardest thing to do, isn’t it? I don’t think I ever had the courage to speak up about it. Maybe if you took the person who is easiest to talk to among them, and mentioned something about how you see things so differently when you come home. Of course, the “outsider” always sees what those who are “in it” never see. It’s sad that you see things they may not even realize. I hope things change.

This is where the cool people talk about Pirates.

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