I am no longer fond of the dynamic in my family.
I mourned my loss in my little brother’s bedroom. He wouldn’t help me with math. My smart little brother has always helped me with math before. He simply walked out of the room and said, “close the door on your way out”. He’s not just in a mood or a funk, he was like this last time I was home too.
And then I cried.
He didn’t see me or hear me and that’s probably for the best but I don’t know. Maybe if I cried in front of the whole lot of them and told them how much I miss the closeness we all shared once upon a time then they’d figure out a way to change it. Fix it. Make it like it was. Obviously I’m not in the picture much anymore but they can fix how they treat each other without me here.
Dad’s no good with young teenagers and that doesn’t help. Brother is 14 and is treated like a god at school. He’s tall and athletic and smart (although he doesn’t give two fucks about his grades). He stars in all the theatre productions and starts on every sports team and I can’t remember the last time every girl in his grade wasn’t fawning over him. Dad just tries to take him down a notch while he’s at home. Remind him that he is not, in fact, a god. Not even a minor one. Not even a mirror image of Hercules. He does it in all the wrong ways though and it doesn’t help the situation, but it’s how he treated his older five kids when we were his age and we all grew up fine.
Mom is so mad at herself right now and that doesn’t help either. She has a new job: she has a new job that she’s wanted for years and has applied for several times in the past. This new job eats up 12 hours of her day, 4 days a week. The only time she sees her two school ages children is when they grumpily wake up (as teens will) or when they grumpily do their homework before grumpily flopping into bed. It’s tough for everyone.
I miss how things used to be.
Of course, I haven’t really lived here in about 7 years. My memory of how things were is one from quite a while ago…but I still miss it.
This past year was absolutely the best. I want to go back. I learned so much about my job and myself and I traveled and I hashed and I probably drank too much but hey I’m 23.
It was so, so great. I’ve been in DC for less than 24 hours and I already miss it all so much. After my two years in Italy I am going back to Korea. I want to so badly and I am going to do whatever I need to do to make it a reality.
I was just watching a show where a wife forges her husband’s signature on a document for a friend. It made me think of my parents: I have seen things that my dad wrote before he got married to my mom and obviously have seen a lot afterwards and it’s like his signature style completely changed after they got married. She doesn’t forge his signature so much as he forges her forging his signature…If that makes sense.
And then that got me thinking about marriage and how everyone I know who is my age and has gotten married has just completely change who and what they are and they just sort of melted into this couple thing and I don’t even know them anymore. And I wonder how my parents were before they met. Who was dad? He was married before mom. but who was he before he was married that first time? What did he like before he started liking things because his wife liked them. Why do people get this way when they get married?
Marriage is weird. I like having my own identity.