Remember the friend with cancer? I just called to say goodbye. The Doctor gave him 24 hours at most last night and my Mom just told me – so I called.
He can’t speak, can’t even lift his head and can barely breathe. His wife has been fielding so many calls for him and holding the phone to his ear. She said that he opened his eyes while I was speaking to him so I guess that’s nice. At least he could hear me.
I don’t want to visit his grave when I go home in three weeks, I want to visit him.
I couldn’t get much out before I started crying and I didn’t want him to hear that so I asked his wife to take me off speaker phone. She’s such a brave woman. They’ve been together for about five years now and he wouldn’t marry her for so long. I don’t know why. Probably because he was afraid of something like this. After he got sick she insisted and he still held off until a few months ago. He only agreed then because it’ll be good for her when he dies. He has nice life insurance and she’ll be taken care of for a while. She can’t work anymore, she has too many medical issues of her own.
What really got me was that she was telling me, “it’s so much easier for those of us who have Jesus, you know Molly? Everything is so much more positive and I know I’ll see him again someday soon.”
I want to know that but I don’t believe. It’s my parent’s religion, what I grew up with. I tried for a few years to hold on because it’s so familiar but I just can’t find truth in it. And I’m scared of dying and going to Hell, yes, but I can’t force myself into an entire system of belief just because I’m afraid of eternity. It’s not a big enough factor I guess. Probably because I can barely see myself getting through the next three weeks.
I know it’s selfish of me to want him to hold on. He can barely breathe and he’s in so much pain all the time. I got to spend time with him last time I was home and he was able to walk then. Walk and talk and hug and smile. It was still hard to breathe but not as bad. That was a few weeks before their wedding.
Have you ever had so much snot and pressure build up that your ears need to perpetually pop and blowing your nose doesn’t quite do it?