I’m so sick.

I hate being sick. I don’t get sick too often and when I do, it’s a doozy. It spins me around and makes me feel like I’m dying.

The first couple days of sickness are always okay. I feel a bit sick but nothing that I can’t deal with. And then by day three (no matter how easy I’m able to take it on the first two days) I feel like I was beaten with a brick. Multiple times.

I am now on day four. I really shouldn’t be at work but I didn’t tell anyone that I was sick yesterday so I predict no one caring.

I am dizzy sitting in my chair.

More tea. More tea.


I was going to write an extremely serious post but I don’t want to reveal all of the things that it might until I look through my entire subscriber list and see who would automatically see it.
Sooo I’mma talk about Tinder instead!

The other night a friend introduced me to a phone application called “Tinder”. Tinder uses your Facebook profile (which I was hesitant about at first) to grab pictures of you. You put up who you’re looking for (it’s basically a dating app) and it searches for people in your area (you pick the mileage).
The Facebook issue – you choose which photos the app uses and all it gives the person who is viewing you is the “interests” that you have in common, the pictures you choose and whatever short blurb you choose to write about yourself. It also uses your phone’s location setting to ascertain whether or not you are within their area and gives them an approximate mileage that you are away from them. Also, it only gives your first name and age.
When you go into the app it searches for matches. When a picture pops up, you can swipe left and never see it again or swipe right to show interest. If you click on the picture it takes you to the person’s profile, where you can see their pictures, approximate mileage, shared interests and short blurb.
If you happen to pop up on the screen of someone you have “liked” and they “like” you, the application lets you both know and a chat option becomes available. If either of you swipes left then you won’t see that particular person come across your app again.
It’s a pretty cool system. And the swiping is fun.
Tinder has made me realize how picky I am. If the first photo (the one you click on to see the profile) is grainy, a “selfie”, includes other people or I just don’t like it, I automatically swipe left. If I click on it and the person is not fully clothed in an additional photo (unless the picture is of them doing an activity where it makes sense. Like swimming), is wearing a military uniform or is super close to a female (it’s a dating app. If you want to date someone from the app then why in the world would you have it look like you may already be seeing someone?) then they get swiped left. Other quick left swipes are if they have no blurb and no additional pictures, I can’t actually see them in the first picture or if they are obviously military (I can normally tell by the hair or approximate mileage) (I guess I’m just on a “no Military kick right now. Military guys are all I’ve dated for almost four years and I want CHANGE).
Sometimes I accidentally swipe right. But then if you get matched, you can change your mind. It all works out.
I’ve been playing with this app for a couple days now and I have about 7 mutual “likes”. I think I’ve swiped right on MAYBE 15 people total. Two accidentally. I’ve been chatting with a guy named Jup. I’m going to guess it’s a nickname but I am not positive…I’ll be asking. He’s British and has been in Korea for 3 years. He’s an English teacher. There can’t be that many “Jup”s on Facebook so I might have to scope him out. That’s the nice part about it being linked to Facebook! Haha. Even if his profile is completely private, I can still see his friends list. As long as friends lists aren’t completely made up of spambots, I tend to think a person is legit. Maybe that’s too trusting of me.
Anyway, he seems nice. I don’t actually want to date anyone but maybe I can get him to come hashing!

But what does it MEAN?

I had a dream about Doctor Who last night. I think it stemmed from the fact that the new season is starting soon. I don’t know.
In my dream, the first time we saw Peter Capaldi he was dressed in drag and painting murals on a ceiling. It was a very high ceiling. He was on a very very very large ladder and I would have been worried about him falling except that he just looked so freaking stable.
Anyway. Weird dreams are weird.
We went on tons of adventures to all different times and for a while I couldn’t see him because he was lost in the time stream. But even though I couldn’t see him or hear him, he was right near me I guess? And we could only communicate using can and string “phones”. I would find them in random places and eventually figured out that he put them there so that we could try to figure shit out.
I don’t remember how we ended up getting him out of the time stream but when we did he looked like my friend Chris and we were in my parent’s church. At their church, someone sent me a text message of the sermon. When I swiped to see the message, instead of being on my phone it came out of my mouth (in the Pastor’s voice). Everyone was like, “da fuck is happening right now? Omg it’s A MESSAGE STRAIGHT FROM THE LORD” and I was like, “guys I can’t stop” except I couldn’t say that cuz the only thing I could do was give them the sermon until it was over.
Then it was my birthday (which is tomorrow) party (which was supposed to be this weekend but I received one RSVP so I think I’mma cancel -_-) which took place at work. This party was supposed to consist of the most awesome drinking game in the world, called True American (if you watch New Girl then you know what this is).
(I spent hours coming up with rules and different ideas for game play cuz you can pretty much do whatever you want. I was really excited for this. Oh well.) but in my dream, my Mother invited the entire Baptist Church. She was trying to be nice but it annoyed me quite a bit because of how much I’ve been looking forward to this. By the time I got the church folk out of here, none of my friends were around to play the game. And then I woke up sad.
Interpret that.

Robin Williams

So Robin Williams committed suicide. I happened to glance at my phone during work and see; the entire office was in shock.
He taught me that normalcy can be funny and poetry is wonderful. That life can be good even when I don’t think it is.
Oh, Robin Williams.
I was speaking to my Mother on the phone about ten minutes ago about him and she mentioned that she had prayed for him recently.
Look how much that helped.
Depression is so heavy. So hard to cure. So hard to see through.

My friends came to visit :)

This past weekend Tops in Blue was at Osan AB, ROK. The team rolled in early Friday afternoon, set up stage Saturday morning, performed Saturday and Sunday nights, tore down the stage Sunday night into Monday morning, had today off and are leaving bright and early.
I don’t know what to tell y’all about this weekend. Let’s start before this weekend…my body does a weird thing when I am stressed out – I get bumps. They’re sort of like zits and they’re all over my legs. No pills or ointment that has been prescribed to me has ever helped, I just need to de-stress and figure out my life. That’s when they go away. It normally takes a month of more.
When the weekend started I’d had these bumps for a week and a half. I don’t know what brought them on this time, just that they are here. After spending a weekend with forty people, most of which I would call my family because we are that close, the bumps are almost gone. Looking at the weekend I had, most people wouldn’t call it a great one. Friday after work I was able to spend some time with friends and then I was up early on Saturday to help them set up stage. I had to leave after about five hours, and that was leaving early! I learned so much about sound and lighting and connecting stage pieces this weekend that I couldn’t repeat it all back to you but I could do it all with my eyes closed. Then I went to the show and watched my friends perform that night on the stage we built with calloused hands and sweat running down our foreheads. Everyone worked together so well.
And these people…they perform so well! A lot of them are people I haven’t seen since I went to the World Wide Talent Search in February 2013 and the improvements they have made since then are astounding. I thought most of them were brilliant at their talent then, but now? Now they’re so polished. The act is so clean. Every note is so pure and every dance move is sharp. And even though they have come so far since the last time I saw them, each and every one of them welcomed me with open arms. They called me family and they didn’t care that I’ve gained a little weight or that my vocals have gone downhill since they last saw me. They took me in.
There’s a guy on the team who didn’t audition with the rest of us, J. I saw him on stage and was like, “who the hell is THAT person who I don’t know?” I met him after the first show and he is so nice. Turns out that TiB didn’t have quite enough male vocalists so they reached out on social media and invited guys to send in a video, from that, J was chosen. He has the voice of an angel and a Harry Potter tattoo. I made a joke about his name and it turns out that his boyfriend is a chef and is making a pastry based off the joke I made. Before Tops in Blue he was overweight and depressed. He hated his life and his job and his co-workers who don’t understand when enough is enough. Now he’s healthy and happy and doing something he loves. Tops in Blue literally saved his life and that makes me so happy.
When we were doing karaoke on Saturday night he came up to me randomly and (drunkenly) said, “you know Molly, you can’t base your worth or your talent off of what Mr. E (the guy who runs TiB) tells you. Whether or not you make it doesn’t say anything about you. I know this because I’ve known you for less than six hours and I already know that you deserve to be on this tour more than anyone else.”
I’m starting to cry just writing this out, that’s how much these words meant to me. I was initially annoyed with him when I met him because he didn’t go through everything that the rest of us went through. He didn’t have to go through the audition process or feel how it is the first year when you don’t make it and everyone you love and auditioned with does (of course, he was one of the 1% that made it his first time…but whatever). But J…J’s something special.
I wish I could tour with all my friends. I wish I could be there with them this year because they are more like family and I don’t have a lot of friends here. I like being alone but I love being with people who I am that close to. It doesn’t take any work to be with them. I don’t have to pretend to be anything I’m not or try to make them happy, I’m just me.
I don’t want them to leave tomorrow.
But they all believe in me so much. When I said goodbye after tearing down with them until the wee hours of the morning they said, very confidently, “see you in October!” October is the next World Wide. Tapes are due in 39 short days and if I’m not selected then I won’t see them. I might never see some of them again ever. And they all want me on tour so badly next year. And I know I can do it. I know I can do it. My voice may not be what it could be, but I can do it.
I can get there.
I want to do it, for them. For myself because I know that I want it more than anything else. I’ve wanted it since I heard about it three and a half years ago. It’s all I’ve wanted and y’all have heard about it since then. And if I finally make it then maybe you’ll stop hearing about it for a while ;p
I want this with everything in me.