“If what someone else says can easily derail you, it means your sense of self isn’t that firmly established in the first place.” – Emma Stone
Every single damn day I feel like I come farther with my sense of self-worth. Every day it’s easier to look in the mirror and say, “you know what? You’re fucking beautiful and unique and wonderful, size 2 or size 12, it doesn’t matter”. And then there’s a comment from someone I love that makes me feel unworthy and it throws me off for days.
Just…stupid comments. Comments that shouldn’t bug me. Comments that are meant to be positive but make me feel so negative.
I cut and dyed my hair the other day and sent a photo to my Dad. He sent it to Mom with the comment, “she looks so skinny and great!”
Mom told me what he said and it should be nice to hear. It’s praise, right? But I know that I’ve gained 10 lbs (not muscle) since the last time he saw me. I know that the shorts I wore all last summer don’t fit quite right anymore even though they were a bit too big when I bought them, but it’s a different type of fitting. I know that when I wear my skinny jeans my gut hangs over the top. And most of all I know that none of those are bad things because I am healthy and I am happy. But I’m going home in two weeks and what will my Dad think when he sees me in person? Not, “you look so skinny”. In that two weeks I could be quite a bit “skinnier”, but it wouldn’t be healthy.
I’m going to talk to him about it. I am. I’m going to call him tonight and ask him to say “healthy” if he wants to compliment how I look. “Healthy” is positive and I know I am healthy. “Skinny” isn’t necessarily “healthy” and it makes me feel horrible. I think what he really MEANS is “healthy” anyway. I hope that’s what he means.
I felt so negatively about my body for so long and I don’t want to go back to that place. I need to stay away from there. I work actively to stay away from it, actually. And little things like this? They put me back there. How weak.