Deadbeat

I want to stay here so badly but what would I do? I refuse to end up as a deadbeat like a friend that I ran into the other night.

This guy taught me how to ride a bike with no handlebars when I was a kid. I was really good friends with his sister and he and my brother used to hang out all the time. Last I heard he joined the Army and was kicked out a couple years later. I didn’t even recognize him when I saw him in a bar on Thursday night…I asked him about his family, apparently he doesn’t talk to them even though he literally lives in the same town. Hell, we were IN that town. I asked my Mom about his family and told her I’d seen him and she said that the last time she asked his Mom how he was down she said, “well I haven’t seen him in the Police Blotters lately so…”

How sad. He works a deadbeat job (but at least he has one I guess) and goes out drinking almost every night.

What happens to people? He was such a great little kid. Happy. Why does life have to beat people down like that?

Being at home is wonderful. I haven’t cried yet and I’m proud of that, but I have come close many, many times.

My Friday lasted about 37 hours and when I got into the airport there was no one there to meet me. All these families and reunions and I was the only one left an hour later. I knew it was coming because there were pressing family matters happening (think hospitals) but it still sucked.
Eventually my Aunt came to get me. It was nice to catch up with her, but my first almost-tears happened when my Mom finally arrived at my Aunt’s house. Not when I saw her, when I smelled her – sweat and whatever musk it is that she uses and mousse and smiles. And the tears didn’t almost happen because I was so very happy to see her, but because I know I have to leave again too soon.

Then again the next day when I hugged my Dad. Trees and laundry soap and hard work.

I’m not cut out for this life. I want to be home.

My little sister has it so good and she just doesn’t get it. She’s almost 20 and she lives with them but they’re about ready to kick her out. She’s always crabby and mean and snaps at people for nothing. She doesn’t help around the house and complains that they make her pay for her own cell bill and car insurance (she uses their extra car that 16 should be using soon) plus a measly $100/month rent. It’s not even $300/month all together. She doesn’t get how good she has it.
She works her cute little 6 hour shifts at BK, comes home and locks herself in her room because she’s “tired” and “needs alone time”.

If I lived here I would never be in my room except to sleep. And maybe change clothing. I’m doing that in the kitchen right now (it’s mostly walled in) so maybe I would just keep that up.

But I couldn’t live at home again. I’ve lived away from home for too long and my lifestyle is just too different from my parent’s. When I’m staying in their house I feel obligated to go to church, for one thing. Yesterday their Pastor was talking about how to gently broach the subject that your non-Christian friends will be going to Hell. If the only reason you “believe” is so that you don’t go to Hell, is that true belief?
I don’t know.

Everyone’s doing pretty well though. Little brother is strong now and even taller than last time I was home. He must be at least 6’4″. 16 year old sister is excited because she gets to work at the Summer Camp that we’ve attended since we were little. I worked there for 3 Summers and the 19 year old worked for half of last Summer. 16 is also a Senior now, so that’s really exciting for her. She wants to be a high school music teacher. She needs scholarships because college is expensive. 19 is…well. I’ve already said about 19. But she was just in here and she’s excited because she has a date.

I just want to stay here forever.

I’m home 🙂

I ran a half marathon today

And did absolutely 0 training leading up to it. That was not smart. Kids, if you’re going to run a half marathon then GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND RUN MORE THAN 6 MILES CONSISTENTLY BEFOREHAND OKAY?!?!

My friend Eva did it with me. Well, she was supposed to. Turns out she diverted to the 10K route because of shin splints. If I had shin splints I would have stopped one of the many medics running and been like “I need a vehicle this fucking hurts”. Except that they probably don’t speak English very well and I don’t know how to say that all in Korean so there would have been a bunch of hand motions and pained looks.

Actually, there was a 4.2k route. I probably would have just done that.

Anyway, we met outside at 0520, hopped on a bus at 0550 and arrived at the race site around 0730 with an hour and a half to spare before race time.

Let me tell you…these people really care about their races! There was a ginormous stretch sesh that started about 20 minutes before the race and almost everyone participated! They sent us UNIFORMS to wear (the neckline of the shirt was extremely high and uncomfortable so I wore my own clothing) and the shorts have POCKETS. There were a bunch of fireworks, and they released a shit ton of balloons at the start of the half marathon. It was awesome. I’ll put a picture.

The first 10k went great! I was at about an 8 minute mile average! Hell YEAH! And then around 12k I…faltered. At 14k the 2 hour time group passed me and right before 15k I started walking up the hills.

Thankfully at the 15k marker there was chocolate. It was delicious and kept me going for the next 2-3k.

A half marathon is almost 22k. I finished in 2 hours and 15 minutes. I really wanted that 2 hours but I’m okay with not getting it considering I thought I was going to die by the time I crossed the freaking finish line.

It was so hot guys. So. Hot.

There were sponges every few miles so you could squeeze water on yourself and there were water stations every 2km but JEEZ WAS IT HOT.

But I finished and I’m alive. And at the end instead of bagels and bananas and oranges they give you these mini pancake things with red beans inside. It’s super sweet and carb loaded and I was so hungry.

I’m still hungry.

I’ve been drinking wine for the last hour to try and numb the pain in my legs a bit. I’m so sore and I have blisters on both feet. I think it’s my shoes. This has happened before. Those shoes need to go. Maybe I’ll find new ones when I’M AT HOME IN 6 DAYS.

I can’t wait to go home.

Tomorrow we’re doing a Spartan Sprint! 3-5 miles with 15+ obstacles. I hope I’m able to move by then. We leave at 0630.

Self-worh

“If what someone else says can easily derail you, it means your sense of self isn’t that firmly established in the first place.” – Emma Stone

Every single damn day I feel like I come farther with my sense of self-worth. Every day it’s easier to look in the mirror and say, “you know what? You’re fucking beautiful and unique and wonderful, size 2 or size 12, it doesn’t matter”. And then there’s a comment from someone I love that makes me feel unworthy and it throws me off for days.

Just…stupid comments. Comments that shouldn’t bug me. Comments that are meant to be positive but make me feel so negative.

I cut and dyed my hair the other day and sent a photo to my Dad. He sent it to Mom with the comment, “she looks so skinny and great!”

Mom told me what he said and it should be nice to hear. It’s praise, right? But I know that I’ve gained 10 lbs (not muscle) since the last time he saw me. I know that the shorts I wore all last summer don’t fit quite right anymore even though they were a bit too big when I bought them, but it’s a different type of fitting. I know that when I wear my skinny jeans my gut hangs over the top. And most of all I know that none of those are bad things because I am healthy and I am happy. But I’m going home in two weeks and what will my Dad think when he sees me in person? Not, “you look so skinny”. In that two weeks I could be quite a bit “skinnier”, but it wouldn’t be healthy.

I’m going to talk to him about it. I am. I’m going to call him tonight and ask him to say “healthy” if he wants to compliment how I look. “Healthy” is positive and I know I am healthy. “Skinny” isn’t necessarily “healthy” and it makes me feel horrible. I think what he really MEANS is “healthy” anyway. I hope that’s what he means.

I felt so negatively about my body for so long and I don’t want to go back to that place. I need to stay away from there. I work actively to stay away from it, actually. And little things like this? They put me back there. How weak.

1 Year on WP

Word Press tells me I’ve been here a year already. It doesn’t feel that way but I suppose it really has been. After all, it was almost a year ago that I documented the VA Beach trip that I took with my sister and that was all on here. And mostly through my phone – which was very convenient.

What’s happened this past year? Let’s take a look through memory lane (aka top 10 moments of the past year as documented on WP)…

1. Deviled eggs were discovered. Or. Well. My love for them was discovered.
2. I realized how vehemently I don’t want children AND really started to embrace my feminist side.
3. I analyzed the most recent Star Trek movie,
4. “Couch Surfing” happened with my lovely sister.
5. I went to VidCon but didn’t write about it at all (I’d like to actually. Maybe sometime soon) and then didn’t post until 3 months later when I proceeded to write only that “I miss Xanga” and then not write for another two months. But I did write about some other great adventures!
6. I had a series of debauched nights that were fun and meaningless. I did not write about them all.
7. I messed up my hair. So. Badly.
8. I made a kick ass Christmas Playlist for you all.
9. I had a few deep (ishthoughts. (just a few)
Anddd
10. I actually did date this guy for a little while. And then I sabotaged it Because relationships are for stable people.

 

It’s been a pretty great year. Thanks for being here with me 🙂

 

On another note, WHY DOES IT TELL ME THAT I LINKED TO MY OWN POSTS?@?!1!??! I do not need a notification for that, Word Press.