Identity

I am a 22 year old cisgendered, heterosexual female in the United States military. I am a yogi, a runner, a baker, a Disney lover, and turn a frighteningly embarrassing shade of red in public if you know exactly what to say (people catch on rather quickly). I take classes towards my degree when I have time, but am more than a little afraid to take a CLEP or DANTES because failure is my worst fear come true.

In my senior year of high school I fell asleep to nightmares every night. They made for some great English papers, but no one tried to help – even when I made it clear that they were actual nightmares and that I slept very little in fear of them. My 22 years on this earth are marked by a wonderful family and situation and memories, but also EDNOS, depression, self harm, fights, and anxiety – but as I’ve grown, I’ve learned to deal with things a bit better. Usually.

The most remarkable part of my identity that I can comment on is my intense fear of the unknown. Before I came to Korea I was so stressed out and afraid of leaving everyone and everything that I know that a rash broke out on my legs. My Doctor couldn’t explain it and was just as confused as I was.
I got here, settled in, made a friend, and it immediately cleared up.
This ties in with my fear of failure, as future success is unknown until it happens.

Over the years, I’ve gained weight, lost it, changed my mind about what I want to be when I grow up umpteen times (still not entirely sure), decided I wanted a ferret, no – a sugar glider, no – a dog, no – a mouse, no – a hedgehog when I finally get my own place. My actions have broken trust given to me by people I care about and theirs have done the same, while other actions have helped to build other relationships. I’ve hurt people I love and people I barely know in order to get ahead, and then I’ve felt immensely stupid because of my actions, but of course it’s too late by that time.

“I saw the birth of the universe and watched as time ran out, moment by moment, until nothing remained. No time, no space. Just me! I walked in universes where the laws of physics were devised by the mind of a madman! And I watched universes freeze and creation burn! I have seen things you wouldn’t believe! I have lost things you will never understand! And I know things…”
Oh wait. That’s Doctor Who.

I guess that my thought, on this early morning, is that “identity” should be categorized as a verb, not a noun. We are ever-changing people with goals and dreams and trusts that don’t know how to stay put for more than a moment, and isn’t that wonderful and scary?