Identity

I am a 22 year old cisgendered, heterosexual female in the United States military. I am a yogi, a runner, a baker, a Disney lover, and turn a frighteningly embarrassing shade of red in public if you know exactly what to say (people catch on rather quickly). I take classes towards my degree when I have time, but am more than a little afraid to take a CLEP or DANTES because failure is my worst fear come true.

In my senior year of high school I fell asleep to nightmares every night. They made for some great English papers, but no one tried to help – even when I made it clear that they were actual nightmares and that I slept very little in fear of them. My 22 years on this earth are marked by a wonderful family and situation and memories, but also EDNOS, depression, self harm, fights, and anxiety – but as I’ve grown, I’ve learned to deal with things a bit better. Usually.

The most remarkable part of my identity that I can comment on is my intense fear of the unknown. Before I came to Korea I was so stressed out and afraid of leaving everyone and everything that I know that a rash broke out on my legs. My Doctor couldn’t explain it and was just as confused as I was.
I got here, settled in, made a friend, and it immediately cleared up.
This ties in with my fear of failure, as future success is unknown until it happens.

Over the years, I’ve gained weight, lost it, changed my mind about what I want to be when I grow up umpteen times (still not entirely sure), decided I wanted a ferret, no – a sugar glider, no – a dog, no – a mouse, no – a hedgehog when I finally get my own place. My actions have broken trust given to me by people I care about and theirs have done the same, while other actions have helped to build other relationships. I’ve hurt people I love and people I barely know in order to get ahead, and then I’ve felt immensely stupid because of my actions, but of course it’s too late by that time.

“I saw the birth of the universe and watched as time ran out, moment by moment, until nothing remained. No time, no space. Just me! I walked in universes where the laws of physics were devised by the mind of a madman! And I watched universes freeze and creation burn! I have seen things you wouldn’t believe! I have lost things you will never understand! And I know things…”
Oh wait. That’s Doctor Who.

I guess that my thought, on this early morning, is that “identity” should be categorized as a verb, not a noun. We are ever-changing people with goals and dreams and trusts that don’t know how to stay put for more than a moment, and isn’t that wonderful and scary?

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Identity

  1. bearonthecouch says:

    “I guess that my thought, on this early morning, is that ”identity” should be categorized as a verb, not a noun. We are ever-changing people with goals and dreams and trusts that don’t know how to stay put for more than a moment, and isn’t that wonderful and scary?”

    You are a genius. I wanna write that down and keep it forever and ever.

    And speaking of Doctor Who: “This is one corner of one country on one continent on one planet that’s a corner of a galaxy that’s a corner of a universe that is forever growing and shrinking and creating and destroying and never remaining the same for a single millisecond. And there is so, so much to see. Because it goes so fast.
    I’m not running away from things, I am running to them. Before they flare, and fade forever.”

  2. goodness. life is complicated now. i had to look up words and there were some i just didn’t look up at all. in any case, i dig your premise. identity is ever changing.

  3. […] I messed up my hair. So. Badly. 8. I made a kick ass Christmas Playlist for you all.9. I had a few deep (ish) thoughts. (just a few)Anddd10. I actually did date this guy for a little while. And […]

  4. 1 Year on WP says:

    […] 7. I messed up my hair. So. Badly. 8. I made a kick ass Christmas Playlist for you all. 9. I had a few deep (ish) thoughts. (just a few) Anddd 10. I actually did date this guy for a little while. And […]

This is where the cool people talk about Pirates.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s