How to Train Your Roommate

There have been plenty of roommates in my 22 years of life.

  • My brother was the first – we had bunk beds and he used to lock me in the closet.
  • Next came my sister – we would shove our beds together and I would purposefully roll on top of her to stop the snoring
  • Then, my Sophomore year of high school, both sisters and I were in the same room and it was hell right here on this earth. All different schedules and homework and music. It was a punishment from our parents (literally), and we got the message quickly. Within two months peace reigned true, and the youngest and I were allowed to share again while the middle had her own (best for everyone).
  • Junior year I was at boarding school, and we had 2-3 to a room. My first roomie was Korean, and she was extremely sweet. She didn’t speak much English, but she taught me to swear in Korean. I forgot her name constantly in the first months, but she put up with me.
  • We switched rooms every quarter (or sometimes even more often. If things were messy it was something that the dorm parents would do to force us to clean. If people weren’t getting along at all then room switching was how it was fixed). I don’t remember every single roommate I had in my 2 years at boarding school, but I do remember three of the girls after my first. One Russian, one Hispanic, and one from California – all in ninth or tenth grade when they roomed with me. I was possessive of my younger roommates – you don’t fuck with them and I won’t fuck with you. When the Californian was expelled I sobbed myself to sleep extremely loudly for a week as punishment to my dorm parents who had made the decision. You see, my room was directly underneath their room. Win.
  • When I joined the military I had 49 roommates for two months, and then just 1 for the next 3 1/2 months. She, it turns out, won the award for being Airman of 2012 for my current squadron. I forgot she that she came here straight out of technical training. Have no clue where she is now, just remember that she liked to keep our room extremely hot all the time (she complained when the thermostat was at 70).
  • At Joint Base Andrews I had a roommate. We met two or three times. When she moved out, she left margarita glasses.
  • And here? Here I have a wonderful roommate. We hang out all the time, and she is the sweetest girl I’ve ever met. She used to set the bathroom all wrong, but I’ve corrected her of that habit. I’ve trained my roommate. I’d go in before, and the bath rug wouldn’t be hung. The light would be on, and the toilet paper would be on the holder the wrong way (I like it over, not under). I never mentioned it to her, but I corrected things every time I saw them wrong. I went in today, and there was a new roll hanging correctly. The bath rug was up (she took the last shower), and the lights were off.

I’m so proud of my roommate and how well I’ve been able to train her.


4 thoughts on “How to Train Your Roommate

  1. I totally am with you about the possessiveness over roommates to protect them. I’m still threatening people not to mess with my roommate from last year. And Pirates are chill

  2. i also read this one in a timely manner, just didn’t comment at the time that was timely. for the record.

This is where the cool people talk about Pirates.

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