I love to be alone, I just hate to feel alone.

And I don’t usually have a problem with feeling alone.  I’m in my little corner and I don’t like to go out and socialize with people often.  They’re all idjits and I have to deal with them at work anyways, so why would I want to see them outside of work?

If I am not in my room, I’m probably somewhere else alone.  But not really alone, because this is DC.  Everywhere is crowded all of the time.  There are hordes of lovely (and not so lovely) people – tourists, passers through, residents, etc…but I’m alone because I only know me.  Which is great!  Preferred, even!


But lately I’ve been missing having someone I can just be with.  I was never lonely when my ex was around because he was so incessantly needy.  He didn’t like to be alone.  If I was napping when he got back from work he would pound on my door until I woke up and hung out with him.  It was almost too much.  I need my space yo.  That’s one reason we didn’t work out.

But at least I was never lonely.

I think one of the reasons I’m so dang excited for this trip with Anna is because, yeah, she and I have never been close…but this is our chance to get that way.  To be the sisters you see in movies.  The inseparable ones who have an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship.

When I moved here I had a friend who was that way with me.  She’s since gotten married and had a kid.  We’re still really tight, and I’m going to miss her more than anyone else when I leave, but I need to be able to attach myself to someone only when I want to.  Is that selfish?  I don’t think so.  Because if I find the right person (which I so will), they’ll want to be attached to me at the exact times when I want to be attached to them.  And if we’re a really good fit, that will be always.

And maybe that can be Anna.


20 thoughts on “Loneliness

  1. longing4home says:

    Sweet post. I’m glad you know yourself so well, glad you can be happy when you’re alone. I hope you and Anna can form a tight bond on the trip.

  2. I’m insanely co dependant and clingy, like awuly. I think it’s great that you’re so comfortable being alone, I’d go nuts.

    The bond within siblings is always a beautiful thing and ver helpful and fulfilling, I wish I had a sister, I got 3 brothers instead, but we’re very close (annoyingly close according to some). I hope you get an annoyingly close bond with your sister.

    • I’m like that with my youngest sister, but the other four siblings and I? Not so much. Maybe someday…I’m jealous of you!
      I always wanted an older sister. Someone to look up to. I got two younger, and I love them to death, but I was a piss poor oldest sister growing up!

  3. Dang fool idjits. I am resisting the urge to get all deep about loneliness. Sos you won’t have to smack me. Have fun with your sister!

  4. clear it, I mean. you clear hurdles. you solve puddles, gah, why can’t I learn these things?!

  5. grannyandthebaldguy says:

    I do not do well if I can not have boundaries and have my space to recharge and relax. I hope this trip will be a wonderful bonding time for you and Anna.

  6. southernhon says:

    I like to be with certain people only. My husband is one of them (thank goodness, right?!) I need my space and that’s why I love listening to music on my earbuds because it kind of shuts me away from others. Have a good time with Anna.

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