I love to be alone, I just hate to feel alone.
And I don’t usually have a problem with feeling alone. I’m in my little corner and I don’t like to go out and socialize with people often. They’re all idjits and I have to deal with them at work anyways, so why would I want to see them outside of work?
If I am not in my room, I’m probably somewhere else alone. But not really alone, because this is DC. Everywhere is crowded all of the time. There are hordes of lovely (and not so lovely) people – tourists, passers through, residents, etc…but I’m alone because I only know me. Which is great! Preferred, even!
But lately I’ve been missing having someone I can just be with. I was never lonely when my ex was around because he was so incessantly needy. He didn’t like to be alone. If I was napping when he got back from work he would pound on my door until I woke up and hung out with him. It was almost too much. I need my space yo. That’s one reason we didn’t work out.
But at least I was never lonely.
I think one of the reasons I’m so dang excited for this trip with Anna is because, yeah, she and I have never been close…but this is our chance to get that way. To be the sisters you see in movies. The inseparable ones who have an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship.
When I moved here I had a friend who was that way with me. She’s since gotten married and had a kid. We’re still really tight, and I’m going to miss her more than anyone else when I leave, but I need to be able to attach myself to someone only when I want to. Is that selfish? I don’t think so. Because if I find the right person (which I so will), they’ll want to be attached to me at the exact times when I want to be attached to them. And if we’re a really good fit, that will be always.
And maybe that can be Anna.