Children

“Airman Kuhloon.  Why do you choose to waste your life as a single wooman when you kuld instead be married with bahbies?”

Would you like to know who asked me that question?

A bloody Chaplain asked me that question.

A CHAPLAIN.

A Christian Chaplain.  I guess he takes “be fruitful and multiply” pretty seriously, eh?

Here are five of the reasons that I cannot be a mother right now.  And for a long time after right now.  And will probably adopt and never have one come out of my own body.

  1. I’m still a kid myself.   I have fun with kids and love to babysit them, but that’s because the children I enjoy babysitting like to do the same things I like to do.  We colour, watch movies, eat chocolate, run around outside, take naps, etc.  I enjoy hula hooping, tag, ghost in the graveyard, hide and go seek, kick the can, jump roping, trampolines, bike riding, and skipping stones.  Getting lost in the woods is still fun.  You cannot have children if you get lost in the woods a lot unless you decide not to get lost and have reliable maps and all of the extra things you would ever need just in case.  Yeah, have some kidness in you while you’re with the kids and you have the kids, but you can’t be completely a kid.  You can’t hate adultness as much as I do while raising children.  It’s against the law or something, right?
  2. I want to see the whole entire world.  By myself.  The whole thing.  If there are little Cretans (or a man.  Or anyone) with me then I can’t be selfish and do what I want when I want with my time off while I’m exploring.  If you’re with people then you have to take their wants and needs into account.  Fuck no motherfucker.  I do what I want.
  3. Sleep.  I need to sleep for at LEAST ten hours 2 or more times a week.  If I do not sleep enough then I am susceptible to random tearing, complete and utter exhaustion, and consuming all of the coffee at work which leaves my coworkers sad, confused, and coffeeless.  I don’t know anyone with children who gets as much sleep as I require…even empty nesters.  People keep telling me about how I’m “only” 21 and that I should have so much energy in me because I’m so young and blahblahblah.  But no.  I am apparently not the normal 21 year old.  Oh well.
  4. My Mom always helped me with my schoolwork.  You have to be SMART to be a Mom.  I’m not smart.  I can’t explain things.  I don’t know math and science.  What was 2+2 again?  English?  We good.  Dramatic arts?  Fine.  History?  LOVE it.  Languages?  As long as Sign Language counts we’re good.  Or Latin.  I can re-learn some Latin with a kid or 3.  But not that Math and Science hun.
  5. People piss me off way too easily.  I do not want to be one of those Mothers who goes off on the slightest thing.  That’s a horrible example, and I won’t do it.Bonus: Everyone tells me how much fucking pain you’re in when you have a child.  Nah.  I’m good.  Thanks.  And when you’re breast feeding and they bite your nipples?  Nope.  Really.  I’m okay without that.  And the back pain while preggo?  Nuhu.  And just all of the pain in general.  Is not for me.  I am not a masochist, so I’mma adopt.

There are many more, of course, but my friend just invited me over for a movie.  I like movies.  And she has weiner dog puppies at her house.  I don’t see any weiner dog puppies on wordpress.  Stephanie wins.

Do you have/want children?  Should you?  Why or why not?

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9 thoughts on “Children

  1. grannyandthebaldguy says:

    I have grown children, grand children and great grand children. I think you are very wise not to have children. Enjoy your life and do not let anyone tell you that you are selfish for enjoying life and not having kids. That is totally not true. If and when you are ready to have kids, that is your business and no one elses. You are the only one that knows the wants and desires of your heart.

  2. You’re 21? Wow, you are smart. That chaplain sounds like an ass. Unless you love him. Then he sounds irascible. Look, puppies!

  3. ordinarybutloud says:

    Nothing pissed me off more than men asking me about my childbearing plans before I had kids. And, just for fun, I was 31 before I had my first kid. So, I mean, you have a *decade* to consider it before you’re even like me, who was still the youngest mom in the room most of the time. But yes, having kids stops you from doing all the things you just said. And people who say it doesn’t are full of shit. Oops, cursing. Lots of wine, I’ve had.

  4. […] eggs were discovered. Or. Well. My love for them was discovered.2. I realized how vehemently I don’t want children AND really started to embrace my feminist side.3. I analyzed the most recent Star Trek movie, […]

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